Thursday, September 23, 2010
Change of Mindset
Doing some decluttering today. Feel like I'm walking through sludge. I am trying to fill one black garbage bag and one small box with items to donate to Goodwill. I am "feeling disgusted" more than I am "feeling the need to keep all this stuff." Progress? Yes!
Following the 12 Steps
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over clutter and disorganization - that our lives had become unmanageable.
I would purchase a card, gift or just about anything (that I didn't need to use right away) and put it "here" for now ... only to forget where I had put it. If enough time passed, I would forget that I had even bought it. My life and focus were so out of control that I could place the item where it "should" go and forget about it (out of sight, out of mind) and then buy another one, only do discover that I had already bought one when I went to put the second one away.
Once I had a desire for some object (for instance little jars to store trinkets in) then the collecting would begin. "Enough" was not in my vocabulary. If I needed three, then I better get four in case one breaks. Or maybe I should get six, just to be sure. What if I need a larger size, then I better get three (four, six, ten ...) in all sizes.
My family would tease me over my attraction to paper clips and rubber bands. I couldn't throw them away. If I found them on the floor, I would keep them. If I handed a teller at the bank some checks with a paper clip on them, I would ask for it back.
Nothing could strike terror into me like an unexpected visitor to my home. My children all remember how I would call them into the hallway to join me in "pretending" that we weren't home. As my daughters grew to be teenagers, I was reluctant to them having slumber parties. If money would allow, I would plan all birthday parties away from our house. Christmas time would bring on almost unbearable stress (starting long before Thanksgiving) as I would start to think about WHERE we would put a tree, and how we would decorate (there wasn't any space for decorations). Finally my husband would join me as we would box, pile and stash. We would move whatever we could (filling a non working car in the driveway, a shower stall in the middle of repair -- add a shower curtain and no one would know ...).
99 % of the clutter and mess in our home is mine (mine to have to deal with). When I am away from home I can feel encouraged and strengthened and plan to get home and start tackling the mess. As soon as I walk in the door, I am overwhelmed and my energy is zapped. It feels like I'm suffocating. I just "can't" I tell myself. My family would be better off without me because I can't change. I am a bad example. I am the cause of everyone's dysfunction .. it all stems from me not being able to "get myself" together.
I am enthralled with books. I enjoy looking at used book sales. I already have more books than I can handle. Books are everywhere, on shelves, in piles, in boxes, beside my bed, etc ... I have times where I tell myself that I won't buy another book until I get around to reading the last "have to get this one" book. But it doesn't last. There's an urgency in me, a restlessness that over powers me and I buy more books. I may start to read them, but they end up in a pile (beside my bed, on the desk, on the counter or table) and will stay there as I start to read the NEW "have to have" book that I buy. I have hidden books and secretly brought them into the house, so that my husband would not know.
Years passed as I was obsessed with having "so much to do" but not making any progress. I was in constant turmoil deep inside. One day, my daughter told me that my grandchildren would not care about my latest book organization plan or how I moved boxes from one place to another, but they wanted to spend time WITH me, to have a relationship with me.
I'm not living the life I want to live. I'm not "free" to be me (whoever that may be). My relationships suffer. I withdraw from social occasions when I fear that it will lead to inviting people into our home.
I would purchase a card, gift or just about anything (that I didn't need to use right away) and put it "here" for now ... only to forget where I had put it. If enough time passed, I would forget that I had even bought it. My life and focus were so out of control that I could place the item where it "should" go and forget about it (out of sight, out of mind) and then buy another one, only do discover that I had already bought one when I went to put the second one away.
Once I had a desire for some object (for instance little jars to store trinkets in) then the collecting would begin. "Enough" was not in my vocabulary. If I needed three, then I better get four in case one breaks. Or maybe I should get six, just to be sure. What if I need a larger size, then I better get three (four, six, ten ...) in all sizes.
My family would tease me over my attraction to paper clips and rubber bands. I couldn't throw them away. If I found them on the floor, I would keep them. If I handed a teller at the bank some checks with a paper clip on them, I would ask for it back.
Nothing could strike terror into me like an unexpected visitor to my home. My children all remember how I would call them into the hallway to join me in "pretending" that we weren't home. As my daughters grew to be teenagers, I was reluctant to them having slumber parties. If money would allow, I would plan all birthday parties away from our house. Christmas time would bring on almost unbearable stress (starting long before Thanksgiving) as I would start to think about WHERE we would put a tree, and how we would decorate (there wasn't any space for decorations). Finally my husband would join me as we would box, pile and stash. We would move whatever we could (filling a non working car in the driveway, a shower stall in the middle of repair -- add a shower curtain and no one would know ...).
99 % of the clutter and mess in our home is mine (mine to have to deal with). When I am away from home I can feel encouraged and strengthened and plan to get home and start tackling the mess. As soon as I walk in the door, I am overwhelmed and my energy is zapped. It feels like I'm suffocating. I just "can't" I tell myself. My family would be better off without me because I can't change. I am a bad example. I am the cause of everyone's dysfunction .. it all stems from me not being able to "get myself" together.
I am enthralled with books. I enjoy looking at used book sales. I already have more books than I can handle. Books are everywhere, on shelves, in piles, in boxes, beside my bed, etc ... I have times where I tell myself that I won't buy another book until I get around to reading the last "have to get this one" book. But it doesn't last. There's an urgency in me, a restlessness that over powers me and I buy more books. I may start to read them, but they end up in a pile (beside my bed, on the desk, on the counter or table) and will stay there as I start to read the NEW "have to have" book that I buy. I have hidden books and secretly brought them into the house, so that my husband would not know.
Years passed as I was obsessed with having "so much to do" but not making any progress. I was in constant turmoil deep inside. One day, my daughter told me that my grandchildren would not care about my latest book organization plan or how I moved boxes from one place to another, but they wanted to spend time WITH me, to have a relationship with me.
I'm not living the life I want to live. I'm not "free" to be me (whoever that may be). My relationships suffer. I withdraw from social occasions when I fear that it will lead to inviting people into our home.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Admitting I'm powerless
My "incoming" mail slot is almost full ... again. I don't deal with the mail addressed to me. Why? I'm not sure, probably because I'll have to make decisions ... decisions that I can't make.
No, it's not really that I CAN'T make the decisions, it's that the decisions (the options) cause me distress (anxiety).
First of all, what is this item? Even if it's junk mail of some sort, the anxiety begins ... maybe I will NEED this information / service / address / date in the future. What if I need it and I don't have this (paper) any more? Maybe someone I know will ask me about this (or need this). Or maybe I already know someone I can give this to.
If it's an upcoming event, a different set of anxious questions begin.
If I don't "deal" with the mail, I don't experience the anxiety. However, I have experienced discomfort when a friend of mine asked if I had read the letter she sent me. I was embarrassed to say that I didn't even know she had sent me one.
I have bags (and BAGS) of my mail in various places in my house. As the place I keep my mail fills up, I will bag it, write the date on it and put it ... somewhere.
I also have THOUSANDS of e-mails in my inbox. Many of them I have not even opened. Hmmmm ... I hadn't seen the correlation between these two "collections" until now.
I hope that by admitting this about myself (and let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to disclose), I will be on the road to change and healing in these areas.
No, it's not really that I CAN'T make the decisions, it's that the decisions (the options) cause me distress (anxiety).
First of all, what is this item? Even if it's junk mail of some sort, the anxiety begins ... maybe I will NEED this information / service / address / date in the future. What if I need it and I don't have this (paper) any more? Maybe someone I know will ask me about this (or need this). Or maybe I already know someone I can give this to.
If it's an upcoming event, a different set of anxious questions begin.
If I don't "deal" with the mail, I don't experience the anxiety. However, I have experienced discomfort when a friend of mine asked if I had read the letter she sent me. I was embarrassed to say that I didn't even know she had sent me one.
I have bags (and BAGS) of my mail in various places in my house. As the place I keep my mail fills up, I will bag it, write the date on it and put it ... somewhere.
I also have THOUSANDS of e-mails in my inbox. Many of them I have not even opened. Hmmmm ... I hadn't seen the correlation between these two "collections" until now.
I hope that by admitting this about myself (and let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to disclose), I will be on the road to change and healing in these areas.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Change of Plans
I intended to start ranting today, to write about everything that is irritating me. Believe me, if I got started listing all my irritations, I would come up with a really long list. On the other hand, if I choose to think about what I have to be thankful for .. I could come up with a list that would be just as long, if not longer.
I will choose to STOP this little pity party I have been in. I will put away the decorations and take off my "party dress" and hat. I will pick up a dish rag and start washing dishes. I will sweep and wet mop the floors. I will express my blessings OUT LOUD as I go about my tasks.
If I had no food to eat, I'd have no dishes to wash.
If I had no home to live in, I'd have no floors to clean.
If I had no running water, I'd have no toilets to clean or sinks to shine.
If I didn't have my health, I wouldn't be able to do the many tasks at hand.
If I didn't have eyesight, I wouldn't be able to see the ones I love.
If I didn't have hearing, I wouldn't be able to hear "I love you Grandma."
If I didn't have working air conditioning in my home, I would be very, very miserable.
If I didn't have a relationship with God, I would feel hopeless.
Today is the FIRST day of the rest of my life.
It's going to be a grrrrrreat day!
I will choose to STOP this little pity party I have been in. I will put away the decorations and take off my "party dress" and hat. I will pick up a dish rag and start washing dishes. I will sweep and wet mop the floors. I will express my blessings OUT LOUD as I go about my tasks.
If I had no food to eat, I'd have no dishes to wash.
If I had no home to live in, I'd have no floors to clean.
If I had no running water, I'd have no toilets to clean or sinks to shine.
If I didn't have my health, I wouldn't be able to do the many tasks at hand.
If I didn't have eyesight, I wouldn't be able to see the ones I love.
If I didn't have hearing, I wouldn't be able to hear "I love you Grandma."
If I didn't have working air conditioning in my home, I would be very, very miserable.
If I didn't have a relationship with God, I would feel hopeless.
Today is the FIRST day of the rest of my life.
It's going to be a grrrrrreat day!
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