Following the 12 Steps

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over clutter and disorganization - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I would purchase a card, gift or just about anything (that I didn't need to use right away) and put it "here" for now ... only to forget where I had put it. If enough time passed, I would forget that I had even bought it. My life and focus were so out of control that I could place the item where it "should" go and forget about it (out of sight, out of mind) and then buy another one, only do discover that I had already bought one when I went to put the second one away.

Once I had a desire for some object (for instance little jars to store trinkets in) then the collecting would begin. "Enough" was not in my vocabulary. If I needed three, then I better get four in case one breaks. Or maybe I should get six, just to be sure. What if I need a larger size, then I better get three (four, six, ten ...) in all sizes.

My family would tease me over my attraction to paper clips and rubber bands. I couldn't throw them away. If I found them on the floor, I would keep them. If I handed a teller at the bank some checks with a paper clip on them, I would ask for it back.

Nothing could strike terror into me like an unexpected visitor to my home. My children all remember how I would call them into the hallway to join me in "pretending" that we weren't home. As my daughters grew to be teenagers, I was reluctant to them having slumber parties. If money would allow, I would plan all birthday parties away from our house. Christmas time would bring on almost unbearable stress (starting long before Thanksgiving) as I would start to think about WHERE we would put a tree, and how we would decorate (there wasn't any space for decorations). Finally my husband would join me as we would box, pile and stash. We would move whatever we could (filling a non working car in the driveway, a shower stall in the middle of repair -- add a shower curtain and no one would know ...).

99 % of the clutter and mess in our home is mine (mine to have to deal with). When I am away from home I can feel encouraged and strengthened and plan to get home and start tackling the mess. As soon as I walk in the door, I am overwhelmed and my energy is zapped. It feels like I'm suffocating. I just "can't" I tell myself. My family would be better off without me because I can't change. I am a bad example. I am the cause of everyone's dysfunction .. it all stems from me not being able to "get myself" together.

I am enthralled with books. I enjoy looking at used book sales. I already have more books than I can handle. Books are everywhere, on shelves, in piles, in boxes, beside my bed, etc ... I have times where I tell myself that I won't buy another book until I get around to reading the last "have to get this one" book. But it doesn't last. There's an urgency in me, a restlessness that over powers me and I buy more books. I may start to read them, but they end up in a pile (beside my bed, on the desk, on the counter or table) and will stay there as I start to read the NEW "have to have" book that I buy. I have hidden books and secretly brought them into the house, so that my husband would not know.

Years passed as I was obsessed with having "so much to do" but not making any progress. I was in constant turmoil deep inside. One day, my daughter told me that my grandchildren would not care about my latest book organization plan or how I moved boxes from one place to another, but they wanted to spend time WITH me, to have a relationship with me.

I'm not living the life I want to live. I'm not "free" to be me (whoever that may be). My relationships suffer. I withdraw from social occasions when I fear that it will lead to inviting people into our home.